moments frozen in my memory...

i have so many memories from when i was a child, but it seems like only a few of them keep replaying in my mind....

1. i remeber my dad getting pissed about his football team losing and these guys talking trash about his team... and my dad telling the guy that he was going to beat the shit out of him...
2. i remeber the night my dad didnt come come because him and his friend were to drunk to see... so they slept in the back of the guys truck...
3. this one time this guy pulled him over and he almost ran the guy over...
4. another time my dad was putting down carpet and was drinking vodak and orange juice...
5. i remeber going to one of my dads best friends funerals and watching his 14(ish) year old daughter and his wife cry... i remeber watching my dad hold the caskit (miss spelled)... john died in a boating accident and i remeber him coming to me from God and telling me that he was gone and to tell his wife and daughter good-bye... i know it sounds unbelievable...
6. i remeber every second of the day my grandma died... my grandma was my life i loved her so much and im the one who anwsered the call... my mom was sleeping i was making toast and my dad was at work... the nieghbors called and said my grandpa was waiting for the ambulance in the drive way... i remeber what i wore... an outfit made by the arizona brand- green and pink... i remeber having to borrow ann and dans car and driving to the house were i had to stay with the neighbors... i remeber watching at the window and when i went back over there i remeber watching them telling me i couldnt go in there that grandma was in there but that she wasnt alive... i remeber the tears streaming down my grandpas face... i said "i want to go see my grandma" and them telling me i couldnt... i remeber the funeral my mom got up and spoke... i still have the dress i told everyone i wanted something with flowers cause grandma wouldnt want everyone wearing black... i cried the whole time... my grandma dorthey was my everything at the time and i think about her all the time now...
7. i remeber coming visiting famliy on vacation and i she being bad and my aunts told my dad he needed to spank me and him yelling at them telling them i was the best and him telling everyone how much he hated them...
8. i remeber the fight before the baseball game in 4th grade where my grandpa told my dad that he was a nothing.. and i remeber the neighbors calling the cops...
9. i remeber the gun... and seeing him on the bike... i remebering takin gthe gun away and running and crying begging him to stop...
10. i remeber my 13th birthday... you ruined it... said you were going to kill yourself... and we had to call the cops... and i had to run with the guns in my hands again...
11. i remeber when we all had to sit on the coach and i had to tell everyone how i felt when my cousin touched me... i remeber watching him crying and watching those to fight while my dad stared into know where... my cousin was his only "son" and i ruined that feeling for him...
12. i remeber when you found out about the boy and broke in the glass table
13. i remeber the last day she stoed wearing her wedding ring... you told us if we got in a car crash you wouldnt care...
14. i remeber finding out you cheated on her... it hurts so bad and i still feel the pain...
i remeber so much but not many of the memories are happy... all of these have left deep scars... and i feel like i need to just stop picking at them and leave them to heal...