dont think about it so much

i wasnt ready.
i thought that seeing you would make it easier to get over you.
it did.
kinda.
i mean i know your a jerk.
i just thought i was over it.
but seeing you over it hurt me even more.
i told them i could handle it.
at first i thought i could.
i just want to find the person who wants to be with me.
i'm not a ford truck.
i'm a lamborghini.
i am.
right?

rebecca st james...

Darling did you know that I, I dream about you,
Waiting for the look in your eyes when we meet for the first time
And Darling did you know that I, I pray about you,
Praying that you will hold on
Keep your loving eyes only for me
Chorus:
Because I am waiting for, praying for you, Darling
Wait for me too, wait for me as I wait for you
Because I am waiting for, praying for you, Darling
Wait for me too, wait for me as I wait for you
(Darling wait, Darling Wait)
Darling did you know I dream about life together
Knowing you will be forever.
I'll be yours and you'll be mine.
And Darling when I say, "till death do us part",
I'll mean it with all of my heart, now and always faithful to you
Repeat Chorus
Bridge:
Now I know you may have made mistakes,
But there's forgiveness and a second chance.
So wait for me, Darling wait for me, wait for me, wait for me
Repeat Chorus
Wait for me, Darling Wait
Because im waiting for you, Because im waiting for you
So wait for me, Darling wait
Wait for me

i peru'ved it!

falling over...

so its over between me and the "all right" boy... just so you know. we well actually he ended it at two in the morning the day i got to miami. he called my cell. i mean i know it was the right thing to do... we just didnt have enough in common. i'll be ok. yeah it hurts but i think its just because he didnt do it face to face, instead it was at two in the morning... the morning before i leave on a misson trip. then everyone there talked about there wonderful christain boyfriends...
but i thought id just put it in words. "ill be okay, it happens"

what if...

what if im not ready to face reality? i feel so different inside. i know i need to change... and i dont know if im going to have anyone who believes i can change. i do want to change my whole life; its just how am i supposed to when i dont have anyone who believes in me? i knew it was going to be hard to return to this place, but i didnt realize how much id want to go back...

all right...

all i got as a good bye is "all right"...
truly... i desire better... i mean we took a vote... and he was voted off the island...
i leave on my mission trip tomorrow... i will be gone for 2 weeks, which he didnt really even realize, and the last time i saw him was 3 days ago... i have taken all i can take.... i have invited him over time and time again... but nothing... he cant even take the time to call me back... i do try... and i do desire better...
i invited him over and he was like ok... whos going to be there... "no one just me and you..."
"o."
what guy seriously doesnt want to hang out with his "girlfriend" (i use that phrase lightly, cause i doubt thats what he calls me) alone, the night before i leave for 2 weeks... i guess i just never meant that much to him... weirdly enough that makes me want it more...
but listen to this... this happened just i a few minutes ago....
our last convo (fyi: i did the calling):
me: hey
him: what?
me: just calling to say goodbye...
him: ok...
me: i have to get up at 2 so i guess i'll talk to you when i get back from peru...
him: all right bye...
...click...
end of conversation...

i should of told him what i was thinking....
-thoughts at this moment-
1. why dont you ever want to hang out with me alone? am i that boring?
2. am i just thgat ugly? i mean you cant even take the time to call me back?
3. do you just not care? are you only in this because your friend is going out with my friend?
4.... are you just not that into me?
5. am i really this pissed over you/this?