these complex situations

-for you-
i dont want you to treat me like your life source...
but it would be nice to know you care...
i dont want you to be afraid to touch me...
but i dont want to feel thats not all you want from me...
i dont want you to just sit and listen to my problems...
but it would be nice if you at least knew my ambitions...
i dont want to lay next to you knowing we are so different...
but i do want to cuddle with you beliving we're one...
i dont want to set here and pretend we know each other...
but instead i want to stand here and know what your thinking...
i dont want to play make believe...
but i want you to be my prince...
i dont want to be just another girl...
but i know thats what you think...
however... i know im not...
i am me...
not her...
i am unique... and loving...
i desire better...
i desire to be desired...
i desire to want to be known...
to be called... to be talked to...


i thought these would be different then before...



you will never get inside my head...

sometimes...

i think this cat is cute!

sitting, wishing, needing, wanting, believing, waiting...

i just sit... i sit waiting to find that one person who i know will love me, who wont put others before me... someone who i know i'll love and know that i can give them my whole heart because i trust them and the fact that they will always love me...

i just wish... i wish i knew this person... i wish he could be sitting next to me on my couch... i wish that my parents would love and trust him... i wish he was here on this rainy night to dance with me and tell me im beautiful...

i just need... i need you to be here next to me... i need you to cuddle with me on this couch... inder this blanket... i need to express all my stresses to you... i need to trust you... i need to explain my trouble with letting go... i need to feel comfortable with you...

i just want... i want you to want me back... i want you to listen to my life story, then feel so comfortable to tell me yours... i want to meet you soon... i want you here... next to me in this lonely dark room... i want to know you are always going to care... i want you to tell me youll never hurt me or leave me... and mean it!

i just believe... i just believe that everyday that passes is another day that goes by before i meet you... i just believe youll love me with everything you have... i believe we will have a burning passion for each other that everyone will see... i believe in you and the fact that ill meet you...

i just wait... i just wait... wait for the moment where i will feel complete... i wait until i find my other half... as i wait it becomes harder and my dreams become less real... im waiting to find you....

i just sit here wishing for that one moment when you will need me and want me only; the moment where i can stop dreaming andbelie start ving... where i can stop waiting and start living...

sitting on the couch....

once again im spending my night eating rice on the couch, i think im going to make it my new routine... well at least a summer routine... today i helped my neighbor bake cookies for a fund raiser she put together for me to rais e money for peru... the turn out was amazing, we made about $200! im so greatful to have such wonderful people around me... my neighbor has always been there for me to talk to and i know i can count on her no matter what happens... thanks you everyone!
my mom: thank you for trusting me and loving me no matter what stupid mistakes i make! i know i have made a lot but your always there for me... you support me through whatever dreams i have... im so grateful to have a mother like you... im sorry if i dont show it!
love
chelsea

after baking all morning, in the afternoon i went to see over the hedge and cars... i really wanted to go see the omen... it looks so scary... i love scary... but anyways the movies was pretty fun... i broke my flip flop and we walked to target inbetween movies so that i could buy a new pair... and after the movies we got ice cream... i got rainbow sorbet... secretly i just got it cause i wanted it to rain... i love running around in the rain...
but that was my day...

mi familia

me and my family...

the faces of chelsea...

me!

random pictures...

yeah i love photos...

moments frozen in my memory...

i have so many memories from when i was a child, but it seems like only a few of them keep replaying in my mind....

1. i remeber my dad getting pissed about his football team losing and these guys talking trash about his team... and my dad telling the guy that he was going to beat the shit out of him...
2. i remeber the night my dad didnt come come because him and his friend were to drunk to see... so they slept in the back of the guys truck...
3. this one time this guy pulled him over and he almost ran the guy over...
4. another time my dad was putting down carpet and was drinking vodak and orange juice...
5. i remeber going to one of my dads best friends funerals and watching his 14(ish) year old daughter and his wife cry... i remeber watching my dad hold the caskit (miss spelled)... john died in a boating accident and i remeber him coming to me from God and telling me that he was gone and to tell his wife and daughter good-bye... i know it sounds unbelievable...
6. i remeber every second of the day my grandma died... my grandma was my life i loved her so much and im the one who anwsered the call... my mom was sleeping i was making toast and my dad was at work... the nieghbors called and said my grandpa was waiting for the ambulance in the drive way... i remeber what i wore... an outfit made by the arizona brand- green and pink... i remeber having to borrow ann and dans car and driving to the house were i had to stay with the neighbors... i remeber watching at the window and when i went back over there i remeber watching them telling me i couldnt go in there that grandma was in there but that she wasnt alive... i remeber the tears streaming down my grandpas face... i said "i want to go see my grandma" and them telling me i couldnt... i remeber the funeral my mom got up and spoke... i still have the dress i told everyone i wanted something with flowers cause grandma wouldnt want everyone wearing black... i cried the whole time... my grandma dorthey was my everything at the time and i think about her all the time now...
7. i remeber coming visiting famliy on vacation and i she being bad and my aunts told my dad he needed to spank me and him yelling at them telling them i was the best and him telling everyone how much he hated them...
8. i remeber the fight before the baseball game in 4th grade where my grandpa told my dad that he was a nothing.. and i remeber the neighbors calling the cops...
9. i remeber the gun... and seeing him on the bike... i remebering takin gthe gun away and running and crying begging him to stop...
10. i remeber my 13th birthday... you ruined it... said you were going to kill yourself... and we had to call the cops... and i had to run with the guns in my hands again...
11. i remeber when we all had to sit on the coach and i had to tell everyone how i felt when my cousin touched me... i remeber watching him crying and watching those to fight while my dad stared into know where... my cousin was his only "son" and i ruined that feeling for him...
12. i remeber when you found out about the boy and broke in the glass table
13. i remeber the last day she stoed wearing her wedding ring... you told us if we got in a car crash you wouldnt care...
14. i remeber finding out you cheated on her... it hurts so bad and i still feel the pain...
i remeber so much but not many of the memories are happy... all of these have left deep scars... and i feel like i need to just stop picking at them and leave them to heal...

hot and steamy.... rice!

my grandma always tells me that when you have an upset stomach, you should eat rice... but i enjoy eating rice before i go to bed... it makes me feel warm inside... i love it!...

my grandma... my grandma is one of the best she would do anything for me, and i owuld do anything for her... i was talking to her awhile ago...
chelsea: "grandma... do you ever get home sick?"
(you see she moved her because she had a baby with my soldier grandpa... they meet during the korean war...)
g-ma: "yeah i do... when i first moved here i did more because i soke little english and didint know very many people... but i think about home (korea) all the time..."
chelsea: "one day all take you there"
g-ma: "yes... i want to take you there before i die"
this truly broke my heart i love my grandma and could imagine her dieing....
i lost my other grandma when i was young and i still think about her every day... i remeber every detail of the day she died and the funeral....
i love my grandma(s) and it just hurts to think that now that im so close to her that im going to lose her again....

another set of song lyrics....

letterkills- hold my heart...

just forget about it, anything i said about it

drive away tonight you think it's fine

you put it all inside and run, and never look behind

it's all the same besides the fact that it's mine

think of me when you dream and you know

i'm wide awake and thinkin of you

cause i swear when you're there alone

know that i'm wide awake tonightyou could hold my heart

it's all yours if you wantjust forget about it, set your mark and keep away

the thoughts that are, just the opposite of youi

t happens everytime you fall

you write it off as it were all "I'll be fine just let me try too"and sing to me, when you sink

and you know that i'm wide awake and watching for you

cause i swear when you're there alone

know that i'm wide awake tonightyou could hold my heart

it's all yours if you want itI'm Letting you know now

I'm letting you know nowI'm letting you know now

Don't wait just tell me all about it

Don't wait just tell me all about it

Don't wait just tell me all about it

Don't wait,don't wait

Don't wait just tell me all about it

Don't wait just tell me all about it

Don't wait just tell me all about it

Don't wait,don't wait Don't wait just tell me all about it

Don't wait just tell me all about it

be honest with me...

i have so many dreams...

there is so much i want to do before i die...

heres some of my list:

1. lead i group of people to God

2. show one of my best friends how much God loves her...

3. have my artr work in a museum...

4. go ski diving...

5. fall in love

6. become a youth pastor

7. be a therapist

8. get married

9. have a daughter...

10. adopt 4 kids... one from peru, thailand, iraq, south korea....

11. have a date at adam's cafe

12. break my arm...

13. pray for at least 12hours straight...

14. have a kiss in pouring rain!

15. stay out all night watching the stars...

16. pray with my husband...

17. gain confidence...

18. be in a beauty pagent...

19. talk on stage about my experinces with having an achocolic father...

20. talk infront of the kids at my school about how God has changed my life...

21. travel to greece with my mom...

22. speak 5 langauages.... french, english, spanish, hebrew, and italian... (and more!)

23. packback through europe...

24. help gain peace in the middle east...

25. talk to g. w. bush...

26. i want to be held like its all someone needs...

27. go on hikes...

28. stay up all night talking...

29. shave my head for someone i know that has cancer...

30. run a marthon...

31. become i great role model...

32. feel like others believe in me!

33. walk sleep and talk in a christain way...

34. go to cafes

35. concerts! see a ton of them!

36. hang out in a hippy town...

37. go on tons of mission trips

38. meet my compassion kid

39. join the army

40. work at whole foods and jamba juice...

41. feel the wind through my air

42. be able to drive...

43. be a famous chef...

44. go pick pumkins and apple with my love!

45. have a picnic in a park...

46. bbq with family...

47. forgive my dad...

48. forget about how i ruined my family... and remeber that everything is coming back to together...

49. get good grades...

50. get an "a" in math!

51. stay healthy.

52. go to the tomatoe festival in spain.

53. fall in and out of love...

54. have fun!

55. make money...

56. cry with someone whos husband died in iraq...

57. understand why people love to drink...

58. get lost in someones eyes...

59. i want to know how my grandpa hurt his kids...

60. baptist my family...

61. baptist a friend...

62. thanks my parents for everything they do for me...

64. make them proud to have me as their daughter...

65. appercaite all the things my mom gave up for me...

66. let my mom be free of me... so she can do what she wants...

67. explain to my family how much they've hurt me...

68. stop bottling up my feelings...

69. be proud of myself...

70. go on a road trip...

71. go to hawaii again!

72. surf!

73. scuba dive and snorkle...

74. go sailing and fish...

75. meet the man of my dreams...

76. have my dream apartment!

77. go to texas christain or hope unv.

78. create my own unique style...

79. create my own desert...

80. stay the night in a grave yard..

81. play hide and go seek in the dark in a forest...

82. be in the middle of a mosh- pit...

and well... thats all i have for now!

learning to fall...

aparently i have some problem... because every time i realize someone likes me i freeze up... in my moms words "you just like the thrill of the chase...." but if thats true... it's a bad thing... i end up hurting people who "want" to be with me.... and getting hurt by those people who dont "want" me... i know i just dont want to get hurt again... but i do want to be able to act myself and have a ton of fun... i mean i have fun... but around some people i feel i act way to quiet and shy, whcih is not like me...
i feel like i've lost that fun and bubbly person and she has been replaced by i shy, scaryed girl...
i know around people i know really well i can act myself... i just get shy around new people... i need to snap out of this quick!... before i miss out on something/someone!

but anyways- i found another band i like!

Quietdrive-

"BOTHWAYS" by quietdrive
Be honest with me Did you ever think That these things that you did Would come back to haunt you And fail you again Don’t ever question My will to admit That when we’re alone It’s too hard to resist Making believe That we’re bigger than this For choosing a road That is different but similar To the same one I took before

Chorus :Why don’t we breathe Why can’t you see That things aren’t always What they appear to be And as simple as it sounds I think I’ve found The perfect way to grow old The simpleness describes The iron that is you And your rusty old life Get on with the mattress And tell-tale lies Watch everything That you touch turns to ice Following the sheep And they’re at it again Making believe That there’re free as it seems But only finding out that They’re on a sinking ship That doesn’t care How many it saves today

Chorus: Watch out now I see the light At the end of the tunnel It seems realistic That getting there will make us fine But watch out now It’s full of glass Don’t take the chance You’ll surely pass At least some day We’ll know the reason Why Chorus The perfect way The perfect way

yay! for yesterday...

yesturday was quite fun... kara and i went with micheal and justin dirt biking... i drove it! it was a blast... and i want one now... but there was a minor "accident;" i was riding one the back and mike was driving... and we were going pretty fast and didnt see this pretty big dip infront of us... and whe nwe finally saw it there wasnt enough time to stop and we went through it... when we were coming up the ditch i hurt my back really bad and couldnt breathe and i guess right then i hit my leg on the pipe... and it burnt my leg..... and we landed and now both my leg and back hurt... and i cant tell anyone cause i wasnt supposed to ride... so im sneaking around cleaning the burn and taking medicine... which pretty much sucks! but i know it was an accident and he feels pretty bad... which makes me feel bad ... but o-well...
two days later: i told my mom! so yeah... im not sure if im in trouble or not... but o-well my leg was hurting really bad... and it has 3 blisters and is a 3rd degree burn... and now im crying... i dont know why just am...
a week later: it is healing "well" im not in trouble. mmy dad still doesnt know, but everyone else in my family does. well i think im going to post the blog now...

my new fave. songs...

These songs are enijoy listening to in my spare time...

LETTER KILLS- "Hold My Heart"

THE SPILL CANVAS- "So Much"

ARMOUR FOR SLEEP- "My Town"

TIM MCGRAW- "When the Stars go Blue"

THE SPILL CANVAS- "Polygraph, Right Now!"

TAKING BACK SUNDAY- "You are so Last Summer"

PANIC! AT THE DISCO- "I Write Sins, Not Tragedies"

THE FRAY- "All At Once"

JAMES BLUNT- "You're Beautiful"

HELLO/GOODBYE- "Two weeks in Hawaii"

DANIEL POWTER- "Bad Day"

AFI- "Miss Murder"

EISLEY- "I wasnt Prepared for this"